No parent wants to undermine their child’s effort or sabotage their confidence and future success. Yet many parents unintentionally lack the skills to instill the right mindset—one that helps children grow, learn, and achieve in the long term.
Every word we say communicates a message about how a child sees themselves. A well-intentioned comment can either:
- Promote a fixed mindset, suggesting traits are permanent and open to judgment (“You are just not good at this”), or
- Foster a growth mindset, showing that the child is developing and capable of improvement (“You’re learning, and I’m here to help you grow”)
Children Are Sensitive to Words
Children don’t want to be judged or labeled. Often, their questions are a way to test the response they’ll receive, especially in situations where they feel unsure or might make a mistake. Example:
Charlie, a five-year-old, went to a new kindergarten with his mother. When he saw the paintings on the walls, he said, “Who made these ugly pictures?” His mother corrected him: “It’s not nice to call pictures ugly when they are so pretty.”
But the teacher responded differently:
“Here, you don’t have to paint pretty pictures. You can paint mean pictures if you feel like it.”
Charlie smiled. He understood that this was a space where he wouldn’t be judged or labeled. What he wanted to know was: What happens to kids who can’t play well? The teacher’s response reassured him that effort and expression mattered more than perfection-.
Rethinking Praise and Success
Parents and teachers often lavish children with praise like: Emphasize learning and problem-solving over innate ability This way, children develop lasting confidence and aren’t dependent on external praise to feel competent.
“You are so smart!”, “You are brilliant!”
While meant to encourage, this can have unintended consequences. Children may start believing that their worth depends on always performing perfectly. If they unperformed, they may feel “dumb” or inadequate.
Praising traits rather than effort can undermine long-term confidence. The best way to build resilience is to:
- Encourage children to take on challenging tasks
- Celebrate their strategies and effort
- Emphasize learning and problem-solving over innate ability
This way, children develop lasting confidence and aren’t dependent on external praise to feel
competent.
How to Encourage a Growth Mindset
Instead of praising outcomes or scores, focus on process and effort:
- Ask your child to reflect on what they learned from a task
- Recognize how they improved over time
- Encourage them to think about applying their learning in real life
You don’t need to avoid praise entirely—just avoid praising personal attributes like intelligence or talent. Instead, celebrate growth-oriented processes: persistence, practice, strategy, creativity, and thoughtful choices.
This is particularly important for children with learning differences, as it reinforces that effort and strategy matter more than “being naturally smart.”
Key point: Praise should focus on effort and achievement, not inherent traits-. Ask your child to reflect on what they learned from a task and recognize how they improved over time
Model a Growth Mindset in Everyday Life
Children learn not only from what we say about them but also from how we talk about others. Avoid making fixed judgments, such as:
“She has a pea-sized brain.”
When children hear adults making harsh, fixed evaluations of others, it communicates that abilities and worth are permanent and unchangeable—reinforcing a fixed mindset.
“He’s a born loser.”, “She is an imbecile.”
Fixed vs. Growth Mindset Parenting
Fixed mindset parenting:
- Expects children to fit a mold of brilliance or talent
- Leaves no room for mistakes or individuality
- Emphasizes judgment over growth
Growth mindset parenting:
- Encourages children to explore, learn, and improve
- Allows room for mistakes, quirks, and personal interests
- Builds resilience, confidence, and lifelong learning
Parents can be deeply involved while still fostering their child’s own growth—without replacing it with pressure, judgment, or the need to “perform.”
By helping children construct a growth-oriented ideal, parents give them something meaningful to strive for and the space to grow into fully capable, confident individuals who can contribute to society in ways that excite them
